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Friday, August 29th, 2008
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12:06 am - yeah...still here.
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MAN. I can't believe how long it has been.
I guess I need this journal now more than ever. The child ended up in foster care after all, no more job, relatives are in assisted living, and a good friend died on Sunday.
It was sudden, I didn't find out until Monday, and the memorial was yesterday. I spoke, I cried, and people freaked when I touched him on the forehead.
It's weird, how cold, and pale people are when they die. I just kept saying, (under my breath), open your eyes, sit up and tell us all you were just kidding. Just so I remember....my memorial went like this.
I recognize (grace) as a gift. Trials in life are also a gift, to increase our faith. Faith is not something we create, rather, something that makes us who we are. I know now that real faith or greater faith, involves a hang-on-at-any-cost attitude, even when I (question) God.
What I feel in my heart right now, I will not always feel. I am hurting, but I know it is only temporary….. (because of my faith in God).
Philip Yancey wrote: "Our hurt and disappointment is itself a sign, an aching for something better. And faith is in the end, a kind of homesickness - for a home we have never visited, but have never once stopped longing for."
John, I (know) you are looking down at me, and you know how much I miss you. I loved you so much, and it’s going to be hard without you here. I realize that words can’t replace the pain of the moment, but in Isaiah 53:4 it tells me that God will bear our grief and carry our sorrows. I will do my best to let Him do this.
You loved life with a force that helped me through hard times – thank you for all you taught me. I have been told that the amount of pain I feel is the measure of the love I have for John. If this is true, I love you more than any words could possibly describe.
John, with you a golden heart stopped beating, and working hands were put to rest.
God broke my heart to prove to me he only takes the best.
I love you John.
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| Wednesday, May 17th, 2006
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10:35 pm - THE Parent Trap
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I guess the thing about parenting is....you don't know if you are cut out to be a parent until it's too late to back out of the deal.
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| Friday, May 5th, 2006
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8:32 am - playing catch up
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Okay, so it's been a long time since I have written here. I have to laugh at myself - I think about logging on and getting some of this crazy life of mine down on electronica - but these thoughts come when I am running....so by the time 5-6 miles are finished and I have to drive home from the park - the writing fantasy turns into just that - a fantasy. I seem to spend a LOT of time wishing I had more of it. SO I guess if I spent LESS time thinking about having more time - then would I have more of it?
I think not. Get thee to a therapist, and make it fast.
This whole single parent thing is much more difficult than I imagined.
I have just reached the 2 year mark on a bunch of personal levels, and that feels good. My daughter is now 12 years old (took full legal custody of last year - but we have been together for almost two years now). She is amazing in so many ways. It is a whole tangle of emotions. We have come a LONG way since the day she came up and asked if I would make her a glass of chocolate milk. I have gained MUCH respect for my mother and her having to raise me by herself. **Note: When I called my mother to tell her this and to thank her for all she has done for me...there was a long pause on her end, and you could just hear the suspicion in her voice when she asked if I was feeling okay. Fair enough, our relationship is on the mend after many years of tenuous attempts to save each other, with neither one of us having the ability to do so.
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| Monday, June 6th, 2005
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2:41 pm - oooh, that whole *soul mate* thang....
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Aren't we all looking for the same thing - someone to love and someone to be loved by - for children, love is unconditional.
As adults we learn to put conditions on giving and receiving love.
Oh to be a child again.
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| Wednesday, June 1st, 2005
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12:30 am - welcome to my world
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actual conversation....between me and my Parenting Coach.
Cristina - "I can't understand why nothing I do ever seems like enough."
Parenting Coach - "What EXACTLY do you mean by that?"
Cristina - "Well, she has every opportunity available to her...horse camp, music lessons, art camp - whatever I can do to enrich her life...."
Parenting Coach - "And what does she do to tell you that she's not happy?"
Cristina - "Okay, for instance, she HAD to have a new dress for graduation, and new clothes for Easter, and her Fifth Grade Graduation Trip, and I told her that if she could start keeping her room clean that she could have the clothes (she did need them - the kid landed at my house with NOTHING)..."
Parenting Coach - "And did she keep her room clean?"
Cristina - "For about 2 days after the shopping extravaganza, then it was right back to looking like a hurricane hit it."
Parenting Coach - "And then what happened?"
Cristina - "Well, we usually say our prayers together at night when I tuck her in...but it got os bad that I couldn't walk into her room, let alone her bedside, without stepping on shoes, books, toys, cds, and THE VERY FREAKING CLOTHES AND SHOES I JUST BOUGHT HER, I got upset, and informed her that we would say the prayers in my room and that I was not going to tuck her in anymore in her room, until she cleaned it up."
Parenting Coach - "And...."
Cristina - "She just pouted around for days, saying that I didn't really want her here in my house - basically crying on cue, every time I ask her to take some responsibility for her stuff."
Parenting Coach - "Cristina, if you are going to be a parent then you are going to have to start ACTING like one..."
Cristina - "Oh yeah, right, I knew that...sure thing, you bet..."
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| Tuesday, May 31st, 2005
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12:08 am
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Be truly free
If you run away from a problem, you will soon encounter an even stronger version of it. Instead, turn to face the problem, work your way through it, and then it will never be able to hold you back again.
The path to freedom is not through avoidance and denial. For that strategy only ends up heaping more trouble on top of the trouble that's already there.
The path to freedom is through truth, acceptance, effort and determination.
There is no problem that can survive such a positive onslaught.
Though it is a pain, though it is an inconvenience, though it is messy and complicated, though it may be embarrassing, go ahead and deal with it. The sooner you deal with a problem, the less of your precious life it will steal from you.
The problems you ignore, avoid, and deny grow stronger. The problems you deal with disappear.
So which outcome would you prefer? Choose to promptly deal with it, and choose to be truly free.
-- Ralph Marston
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| Monday, May 30th, 2005
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11:22 pm - Once I had a dream....
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...that God was standing at the top of a mountain. I had a question to ask Him. I ran to Him, but I could not reach Him. I questioned Him about it. I said, "God, why can't I reach You?" He said, Because I am inside of you."
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| Wednesday, May 25th, 2005
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6:11 pm - To her mother.
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I hesitate to address you that way. I looked up “mother” in the dictionary, and you do not (in any way) resemble the word, or the actions. I have so many emotions for you and about you.
I have even more questions, but over the last 8 months I’ve started to get some answers…but a LOT runs through my mind from time to time? Did you ever want her to begin with? Was she some failed attempt to hold a relationship together – as you have tried to do with your 4 other children? Were you so desperate for love, and not able to get it, that you tried in some twisted way to MAKE someone love you by doing the courtesy of giving birth and then bolting when you didn’t get it?
Why did you leave? Drugs.
Why were you so jealous of a FIVE YEAR OLD child? Because you are one yourself.
Why did you punish her so severely for eating a piece of chocolate? Your heroin crash depended on YOU having the chocolate – not your little girl.
Why in the name of all that is holy did you have to share your daughter with some loser man that you tricked into supporting you?
Was that part of the deal…a two for one? You got your rent paid, she got to go to Chucky Cheese? So great, your 6 year old traded her virtue for a slice of pepperoni pizza…priceless.
I bet you were hoping that she wouldn’t remember. I bet you hoped that she would remain so scared to tell – based on your threats – that she would never tell another sole about what happened. And do you know what? If you had stayed, if you hadn’t walked out and left her….she might haven been paralyzed in that fear.
But you did leave, and she did hurt, and she is terrified of being abandoned if she isn’t a “GOOD LITTLE GIRL”. But you know what? She started to trust again, and she did tell, and I guess in many ways leaving was the best thing you could have done for her. Now she has a chance. She has an opportunity to grow up…and know that love can be unconditional – that love doesn’t always have to be *something for something*.
I guess there is one thing I would like to say to you. Thank you. Thank you for bringing such an amazing little girl into this world. She is beautiful, talented, smart, funny...all the things anyone might hope for in a daughter.
I did. I wondered what things might be like today, if I hadn’t made that decision about eleven years ago…. Would it have been a boy or a girl? Would the baby look more like me, or my lovable (but doomed) ex? What would my path look like, if I had made the decision to stay? And the years ticked by, and now I am looking at 40…grateful for the opportunity to walk around this big planet. I have accomplished a lot – but I have always wondered…what would my life be like today, if I had a child?
Now I know. Out of the horizon appears this amazing child with brown eyes, brown hair, great dimples and a charming personality that had me at “Hello, my name is Casey…can I please have some chocolate milk?” It was the start of the most important relationship that I will ever have in my life. Her tenacity is amazing. I have never been pursued by someone as determined as she is. She just sort of “picked me” and started drawing me pictures, by the way, that little *mistake* you thought you made covers up my refrigerator.
Sure our paths were a little convoluted…it’s funny, there’s a song on the radio now that is called “God blessed the broken road that led me straight to you” and it’s our song. Whenever it comes on we sing it as loud as we can to each other, then smile and laugh at how we came to be together.
After so many months, and no phone calls, I finally filed the petition in court, and the hearing will be next week. I can promise you that I will never let anyone ever hurt her the way that man did for three years. Did you even know? How could you not know? Did you not want to believe what was happening?
I had mixed emotions about you…because I understand what it is like to live with the train wreck of addiction. But you know there is a solution. I know there is a solution. What is important here is that your daughter knows there is a solution. She won’t have to try to raise herself anymore. She won’t have to grow up in the chaos and selfishness of active addiction. She can just be a little girl, and not have to worry about compromising her virtue for a slice of pizza. I hope she can someday understand what unconditional love is. I hope that one day she knows that not all things in life involve something for something…especially when that something happens to be herself. I hope that she wants people to love her for her, not how she “performs”.
She is beautiful – probably like you once were. Everyone says she looks exactly like I did when I was her age…everyone just assumes she is my biological daughter. She is tall and loves to dance and sing, (she’s already a legend in her own mind). She never meets a stranger – although she has seen more pain than most her age, her resiliency is amazing. She’ll be in 6th grade this fall and she is excited about cheerleading and a new school. She loves to laugh and sing – and horses. She has so many dreams and hopes and fears. She is the essence of a child…
But between you and her – I hope that biology is where the connection stops. She is growing up so beautifully, into a wonderful young lady. I hope she doesn’t turn out anything like you. I’m hope that someday, maybe you will decide to get sober and start living life again…and you can get to know this wonderful creature you brought into the world. I don’t know if you have the ability to feel guilty, or are you comfortably numb?
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| Tuesday, June 15th, 2004
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8:30 am - hmmm.
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Do employers enjoy toying with you after (what I believe) was a really good interview? Sure seems that way...
So today is Tuesday, and I'll wait....but the anticipation is killing me. Kinda the same way it is when you finally meet someone who *deserves* to get your digits - and then wait for the "prescribed waiting period" before they finally call you to make that pedestrian small talk that always comes before you get to go check each over out over dinner.
I saw *him* last night. And he looked, well, beautiful. Strong, piercing eyes. But he also looked kind of vulnerable too - he still has that power over me. I haven't seen him in three weeks. He was celebrating a rather important milestone, and I was glad to be a part of that. However, I am finding it difficult to not want to be more a part of "him" too. It is so painfully obvious to me that things got WAY too intense between us, WAY too quickly.
I am fond of so many memories in our short time together. But with those comforting memories there are a few nightmares also. He is a LOT of work - very difficult to read, to really get to know. Maybe I shouldn't try to read people? Probably so. **sigh** BIG sigh.
I could have invited him over last night - he hinted that he'd be down with that...but thank the lord I opted out and went to the gym instead. Part of me wants to just welcome him back with open arms (and open legs), but then there is that part of me that wants to toy with him the way I feel like he toyed with me. And I absolutely do NOT want to fall into old behavior. I mean I hated the way I felt for many days after he took the exit - stage left - I walked around going "What the fuck did I DO to deserve THAT?!?" Then I finally let that go, and run smack dab in to him, and all the negative feelings get left by the wayside, while the wild, amazing, *physical* feelings get the center of the freaking dance floor.
dj, put another record on...please?
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| Wednesday, June 2nd, 2004
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7:52 am - thanks Paula.....
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She said it best in her journal....here's part of her post:
"It means I feel like when I meet new people I give a piece of me but they take it all anyway, not caring if I need it for something else. And I spend a good amount of time digging through the mess that is me looking for what's gone instead of trying to find a solution.
Dreams are always so melodramatic. "
*sigh*
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7:10 am - *yawn*
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Well. I guess I don't handle stress very well (still). Today I finally feel like I can breathe. Between my room mate, my house, my job & boy trouble...I've about had it. The feedback from most of my friends is that I am too nice. A doormat they call me.
What? Me? A doormat?!?
Then I reflect on the past couple of months....
Okay. Maybe so. Gotta get to work on the people pleasing issues.
Great - I'll add THAT to my LIST.
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| Sunday, May 9th, 2004
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9:58 am - Many worlds indeed....
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Every instant the world we know splits into an infinite number of other worlds, different futures and different paths.
Do our choices really change our worlds?
yep.
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(3 comments | comment on this)
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| Tuesday, May 4th, 2004
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11:11 pm - thanks...thelite88
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11:01 pm
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You and I have been through a lot together. For a long time, i felt like you were the only person that could hold me together and keep me alive. Last year, things changed. I was heartbroken and felt like my whole world was crashing down on me. I still held onto you.
A small bit of hope was left and I held onto it for dear life.
Even through all the crap that happened, all the heartache and pain, I continued to hold onto you. I cried almost every night.
I would tell you that I love you and all I got in return was a hug. That was so hard for me. I wanted something from you that you didn't want from me.
Maybe that is wrong. Maybe there is more. Last night really hurt – so your wish came true....
At this very moment you may be just as lonely as I am, or you may be in the process of repairing your heart. Or you may have just given up on the whole thing. Just know that I am thinking about you. I am there as you watch the seasons change. I am there as you eat dinner alone in front of the TV, or when you feel left out at a party because the coupling phase of the party seemed to have happened an hour or so before you arrived.
I have thought so much about writing this, and I am still not sure what I am going to say. But trying to put what I am feeling into words might help me put you in the past. We met over four years ago, and even then something told me that you would become very important to me. You always knew how I felt about you, but even that has changed so much over the years.
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| Monday, May 3rd, 2004
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9:27 am - thanks...Scorpius
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8:04 am - "Sometimes..."
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"Sometimes...only sometimes, I question everything....And I am the first to admit, that if you catch me in a mood like this, I can be tiring...."
Depeche Mode ~ Sometimes)
...Sometimes we don't get to choose the people that enter our lives. All of a sudden, they are there, and you cannot imagine your life without them, for better or worse. There are people that you can take or leave, and then there are those that you really need, and then there are those that although you would miss them, you are fine without them.
I remember you know... everything you ever said, EVERYTHING...that had any importance at all. Small phrases, words you have forgotten, but I remember them... Your actions, unfortunately I remember those too.
It is funny that you can see a person one way in the beginning, you can think you have a full picture, and somewhere it all changes, but you are still focused on that person you met way back when. Maybe now they are a monster but you still keep trying to find that original person that probably never existed at all. You put yourself through the ringer trying to find that incredible person, you are determined they are there somewhere, hidden beneath the evil facade they created for themselves... but one day you wake up and realize you were wrong about that first impression.
*sigh*
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| Friday, April 30th, 2004
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5:35 pm - Walk This Way...
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I feel changed. I feel inspired. I feel unsettled - but in a good way…. Life has a funny way of showing her time in a different way to me, each and everyday.
What’s that quote, from Ghandi? “Be the change you wish to see in the world….”
Brilliant.
I feel more aware than ever – that I tend to separate most folks into two *camps*. I wonder why I do that?
I WISH I didn’t do that. It makes me question WHY.
WHY?
That takes a special kind of courage. And makes me question my separation of the two “camps”. Maybe there is only one choice… Towards light or away from it
Perhaps being totally committed to the path towards light means “picking your battles” is unnecessary.
You simply walk the path.
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| Thursday, April 29th, 2004
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12:15 pm - my thoughts EXACTLY....
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I think I'm about as lost as I've been in a while. I'm not depressed. Just a little lonely and uncertain.
I have taken his company for granted, I fear. When he “left” (for good), I realized how much I missed him. And now, his absence will be common, it seems.
I'm hitting the gym consistently, so that feels good. But I definitely don't talk to anyone there.
Maybe I need to read more. Reach deeper. Challenge myself. Question.
I'm sure I need to write more.
I either need to find a goal and run hard for it, or drift in peace.
I need to create art. Anything. Something.
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| Wednesday, April 21st, 2004
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10:28 pm - Welcome back to reality Cristina - glad you could join us....
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Gee, once again I put this journal on the back burner - waaay back.
Finally feeling settled - I bought a house, got engaged, then got UN-engaged, traveled a bit...generally trying to find myself.
I'm sure that once all of the drama (or at least some, maybe?) subsides, I can get on with my life.
*sigh* I HOPE so.
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| Thursday, February 20th, 2003
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4:33 pm - Okay.
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it's time to get back to this....
I miss journaling. I hate when I get so busy that I don't have a lot of time for the things I enjoy.
Quick overview - spent last summer in North Carolina, came home - back to work, hard & heavy. Still have not spoken to my mother, in , let's see....@ 5 months now. This situation has reached an impasse.
She got kinda pissed when I tried to explain to her that she cannot talk her way out of a situation that she BEHAVED herself into...
I'm feeling creative again, which is good - my stuff was published on a cool site, check it out if you have a minute. The url is www.sothere.com
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